A REAL MAN'S GUIDE TO APPROACHING VAGINAS, TODAY!

Are you dissatisfied with life? Do you hate pretty much everything? Does your dick get wet about as much as the Saharah? Well, this guide is for you! In five easy steps, you will be able to approach any/every women with the confidence of a man comparing penis sizes with toddlers, TODAY!

1. MAKE SURE YOU GET IN YOUR HEAD, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

Women love a thinking man, so before you make your approach, make sure think about the situtation as much as possible, until it becomes a behemoth of a task. You must equate approaching this woman, to the equivilant of dancing naked in a pit full of cobras. If you aren't thinking about the outcome of her throwing her drink all over your brand new suit, then you're doing it wrong!

2. AVOID EYE CONTACAT LIKE THE PLAGUE!

Boys, the sooner you learn this one, the better you can sweep that vagina like a broom sweeping a bunch of mites off a dead mouse. If you meet eye contact, which the woman will attempt to do, make sure you look away, take a deep gulp from your drink, and mumble something about “She-demons”. You will appear hard to get, and she'll be all over you!

3. WALK AROUND YOUR TARGET LIKE A LION STALKING A GAZELLE, IT MAKES THINGS LESS AWKWARD (compared to how things will be when you actually talk to her and she slaps you in the face for being an awkward piece of shit of an excuse for a human being, who has no value in life and should probably have committed suicide a few years back. You scum).

This ties in with step number one. The more time you take to approach, the deeper in your head you can get (YOU'LL APPEAR INCREDIBLY HIP AND DEEP, LIKE JOHNNY DEPP!) The outcome of the result of approaching will multiple, blow up, and it will eventually consume any fun you are having at your location (GIRLS LOVE UNHAPPY MEN! IT'S SO DEEP AND EMOTIONAL! FEEL THE INNER EMO, TURD). Make sure you are orbiting close to her, not quite enough to touching her, but she has to know that you are attempting to talk to her, but you can't because you're embarssed. She has to feel the awkwardness peeling off of you like a shredded lemon.

4. INTERVIEW HER LIKE YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB AT MCDONALD'S.

Do not have fun in your interaction! If you have fun, and she is having a good time, you might as well shoot yourself in the foot with a knife. To prevent this, you will have to drill her with rapid fire questions. You must find out everything about her! Do not convey your personality, do not give her good vibes. You are supplicating for her affections, and you must appear incredibly desperate (PRETEND YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB, AND YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS. THAT'S THE AMOUNT OF DESPERATION REQUIRED).

e.g.

You: ….h-h-h-h-h-h-i-i-i (MAKE SURE YOU STUTTER, EVEN ON THE ONE SYLLABLE WORDS!)

Her: Ummm, are you alright? You look like you're having a brain aneurysm.

You: What's your favorite color?

Her: Ummm, pink? (SHE IS WEARING ALL PINK, AND THE QUESTION IS REDUNDANT, YOUR FRICKEN RETARD)

You: What's your favorite food?

Her: ummm, rice? (SHE IS ASIAN, AND NOW SHE FEELS AWKWARD ABOUT HER RACE).

You: I like rice too. Where do you work? Address and the time you get to and leave from the place?

Her: Uuuuhhhhhh, I don't even know you...

You: Do you like the way I smell? I like the way you smell (YOU'RE STANDING THREE FEET AWAY FROM HER, AND THE ONLY THING YOU SMELL IS YOUR OWN PRESPIRATION.)

Her: I'm going to, ummm, I'm going to meet up with my friends (SHE IS LYING, AND SHE IS OBVIOUSLY BY HERSELF).

You: What are their names and addresses?

Her: Are you on drugs?

You: Do you do drugs?

Her: (She slaps you in the face and bites your nose off. She also files a restraining order against you, despite never getting your name.)

5. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!

If she can't understand you, you can't mess up (AND THIS IS SUCCESS WITHIN ITSELF. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY FUCKING UP IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE, SO DON'T TAKE ANY, ANY CHANCES, EVER!) Also, girls love looking at you confused, as you're running your super fancy pick up lines. They will think of you as that sexy foreign guy, and then they will obviously sleep with you because your mysterious!

FIVE SURE WAYS TO ENSURE EQUALITY AND MURDER HAPPINESS!

Women have been brutalized, beaten, given inferior pay for billions of years. In fact, one could say it has become a way of earth civilization, but alas, it is the wrong way. Evolution is a lie, and God was a lie too (Obviously, a woman must have been made from more than a rib) because gosh darn it, women need equality, and I, Chivalrous Tart will present my five point plan.

1. GET RID OF DIFFERENT SEX CHANGING ROOMS!

Changing rooms are sexist pigs. True equality knows no bounds. What is the largest physical difference between men and women? Women have a gaping shot gun wound inbetween their legs and a few pounds of bagged fat protruding from their chest. Men have a dangling sword of justice jutting from in between their legs and facial hair. These filthy changing rooms blow up these differences to the point where rape becomes common place (ZOMG, CHANGING ROOMS CAUSE RAPE!) Knock down these walls of intolerance and promote equality!

2. MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD ARGUE ABOUT WHO OPENS DOORS!

In the backwards, chauvinistic civilization we live in, men are expected to hoist open doors for women. This is degrading to all females across the spectrum. A women wants to open her own door, because she wants to show how independent she is, yet men, want to show his masculine prowess for pushing objects on hinges. How do we compromise? Whenever a male and female approach a door, there should be an abrupt eruption of violence (Possibly physical but most definitely mentally scarring).

3. MEN SHOULD GIVE BIRTH TO THE OFFSPRING

This one bothers me the most. Women shouldn't expect to go through the pains of childbirth. It is dehumanizing and worse than Hitler. A husband and wife, three months into the pregnancy should play a game of rock, papers, and scissors. From here, if the man wins, childbirth proceeds without modification. If the women wins, her womb will be incised from her abdomen, and physically implanted into the man. The man's phallus of justice will be widen for the exit of the new born child.

4. BATHROOMS ARE SEXIST!

Is a man's shit, and a woman's feces really all that different? Couldn't the porcelain seat of justice intake both a masculine and feminin poop? Why is there all this hate? The pain a woman experiences from not being able to use a urinal is one that tears at the fabric of our culture, and it will go unheard of no more!

5. WOMEN SHOULD BE PLACED ON THE FRONTLINE OF EVERY BATTLE TO ENHANCE MORAL!

Women should be allowed in the armies but only on the front line. Everyone knows that a women's wit and reflexes are better than the average man's, so a woman should be expected to be at the forefront of every, single war. Besides, nothing inspires a countries' rage more than photos of dead females.

YAH FOR TRUE EQUALITY! NONE OF THIS FEMINIST BULLSHIT!

ONE SURE FIRED WAY TO GET THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS, TODAY!

rape.

NEW YEARS REVOLUTION

It's that time again that we arbitrarily call the new year, and as usual, we all have to make promises for the next three hundred and sixty-five days that we are alive. Why? Because it serves as a smoke screen that hides the true futility of life.

1. KILL SOMETHING EVERYDAY

Survival of the fittest baby. I'm going to show my dominance over everything. I will kill something every 24 hours, and there can be no repeats or hesitations.

2. REPLACE ALL THE SPERM IN THE BANKS WITH MY SPERM

The world will be better with more psychopaths.

3. EAT BETTER

My diet of babies and dogs has lead to high cholesteral and an excessive abundance of awesome. My doctor told me that I will get less super sweet if I don't double my intake.

4. GO TO THE GYM

I need to find the perfect rape victim, and the only way to do that is by finding the fat, slow women in the gym. Perfect, easily nailed targets.

5. SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY

I only seem my family once a year around Thanksgiving. I miss them, and the distance strains our relationship. Time is short. Also, I need to increase the amount of arsenic I feed them to speed up their deaths so I can get my inheritance faster.

FIVE WAYS TO STEAL CANDY FROM A BABY AND GET AWAY WITH IT

Food is life. Without it you die. If evolution is real, then I suggest you kick and claw you're way to the top, until you're the only survivor. Bam! Survival of the fittest. With this simple guide, you will be able to steal from anyone between the ages of a baby to a young toddler.

1. CHECK FOR POLICE!

I can not stress this step more. So many would be heroes do their heroics in front of the police and are immediately apprehended. One of my good buddies, Jim Jones, tried to rob a dunkin donuts with a police car parked out side of it. If he was following this guide, Jim Jones wouldn't be in jail for shooting seven police officers before turning himself in.

2. MAKE SURE THE BABY HAS CANDY

This is another important step. You don't want to waste your time creeping around in bushes and pretending to own a child at the kid's park, if you hit a false positive. Make sure the baby has on its possession some kind of sweet.

3. BEAT THE PARENTS

You must drive the eagle from the nest in order to snatch the eggs. You should do this via a couple of ways. Most of them involve a golf club to the head or a golf ball to the temple which will be delivered by said golf club. You can also use a gun.

4. USE PLIERS

You must have the correct tool to ply the candy from the toddler. Kids have evolved strong talons that can prevent you from stealing the candy, and you must counteract this by breaking the fingers.

5. TOOTH BRUSH

Once all of the defenses are broken, and you have successfully extracted your prize, you must use proper clean up tools. You should brush your teeth twice a day or more, depending on the amount of candy you have eaten. This will ensure you may have years of stealing candy from toddlers.

He assualted an old woman today!

Seriously guys! How is this mad man not in jail? By God, an old woman with alzheimers came to the house today, thinking it was her Grandson's house. She had spotty grey hair peppered like a mornings frost, and she carried a big old purse with personal items from the 1950's. There was this antique mirror with a crested cross on the back that was inscribed, “Everyone is Beautiful in God's Eyes”.

She knocked on our door, while I was eating burnt bacon that the Tart had tossed in a blind rage when the oil “jumped out” and “bit him”. It was comical until he grasped the iron skillet and threw the burning oil in my general direction. The flying spuds of globular oil flew from the pan like slow moving bullets and burn holes into my fur.

When I screamed, I think I woke up the tranny in the closet, because there was a loud bang and thud, as if he'd woken up in surprise.

The bacon I ate tasted gross because it had parts of my skin attached to it. It was one of the pieces that melted into my skin before falling off.

Anyways, this old woman is knocking on the door while calling out, “Sonny, Sonny! I called you twenty minutes ago, and you told me to come right on over. Now you've locked your dear old grandmother out of your house.”

After an hour of pleading to be let in, Chivalrous Tart opened the door. He was wearing a wife beater with grease stains that covered his entire front. It was like one giant sweat.

The woman was as elderly as they came. If God was merciful, he would have taken her before the Alzheimer's took her mind. She wore a faded pink dress that fell beneath her feet, and the bottoms were ragged because her feet grinded them against the ground no matter where she walked. Her hair puffed up like a white dandilon. It circled her head like barbed wire.

“You ain't Sonny,” she said. She squinted at him, and then her eyes popped open with a shot of empiphany. “You must be Sonny's life partner! I never hated you homosexs, and when Sonny told me his preference, it sure gave me the willys. But I guess Boys will be Boys...”

“ESPECIALLY IN BED!” Sonny yelled as he struck her in the head with a piece of feces. It mattered itself in the poor woman's hair, oozing through her thin blonde hair and onto her forehead. It looked like she suffered from head trauma, except she bled poop.

The woman put her terrfied hands up to her mouth, clenching her lips like they were stress relievers and let out a piercing scream that made the trapped hemaprodite squeak through the closet.

“I always knew you homosexs were deprived of dignity, but this...this is most horrendous.” The woman looked like she was trying to run away from her own forehead, trying to escape a surely putrid smell.

Chivalrous Tart turned his back away and walked away to get one of his more deadlier weapons. He kept a wall of rusty chain saws near the front entrance. Most of the weapons had dried blood on it. While you may think it was human blood, I can attest to the fact he only uses it to hunt the surrounding neighbor's dogs and cats. I'm not sure if that pacfies your mind or not. As a dog, I find it disturbing.

“Run you crazy bitch, run,” I shouted hoarsley, like I said, using my voice felt like stretching an old rubber band to it's limit, you never know when it's going to snap. The Tart walked past me, looked at me dissmissively before punting me into the living room. I flew several feet above the ground before landing in the stone fire place, next to some burnt mice skeletons.

The woman either didn't hear me or her focus was still on The Tart's feces which was now dripping into her grey irises. I saw her pupil dilate like whenever the Tart sticks himself with needles, but hers was purely from a shot of fear than anything else.

Tart grabbed the closest chain saw and revved it up. It buckled to life stubbornly, and it sounded like a kid who was too lazy to get out of bed. I screamed in my head and willed my legs up. I think several of my legs were broken because my stomach was distended and swollen.

As The Tart approached on the old woman, he raised the chain saw above his head like a baseball bat. The woman looked at him a daze, and she would have been cut down, if I didn't sink my human teeth into the Tart's Calves. If I still had my canines, I could've torn them out, but my teeth could only bluntly press down.

The chain saw flew askewed, and instead of cutting the poor woman in half, it sawed off the top of her hair. White fuzz scattered from the chain saw's blades, and it fell to the ground like thin flakes of snow.

The woman's fog faded for a second, and she realized her danger. She screamed and ran down the road, barefoot. I reckoned the woman forgot the entire incident a few minutes after she left, because the police never showed up. Her Oldsmobile was hauled away a few days later by the tolling company.

Chivalrous scolded me for my poor behavior, and said I had lost my teeth prilvages. He proceeded to pull out all of my teeth with pliers. Good thing for me, I managed to get into the Tart's copious supply of Oxy, so the pain isn't too bad. I apologize for my poor grammar. I am too high too care though. Have a good day, and someone should probably alert the police about this abuse. You don't have to, I guess, if you don't want to.

Love,

Fido the Talking Dog

Why teh gheys destroy america and american dreams.

Conservative Baby here. I am here to talk about the gheys who is invading good conservative churches. The gays is a spreading diseases that must be stopped before all the mens are sucking on teh penis. Very dangerous, because God only said women should suck the cock. Here is fives reasons why the gheys are subhuman monsters.

1. The gheys have too much fun!

Having fun is a sin, and everyone knows that the gays have much more fun than non-gays. They have parades, every day is halloween for them, they know how to pleasure each other better because they are more familiar with their own sex, and they cook delicious food. God says that men and woman should suffer underneath his rules, and the gheys do not suffer enough. If I has miserable life, so should the gheys.

2. They are usually more intelligent and intelligent people vote liberal.

Like teh Asians, teh gheys tend to be more intelligent, and like all smart, college educated peoples, they vote stupidly democratic. This is sin worse than being a communist. Everyone knows that Satan controls the democrats, and the gays are followers of the demon one.

3. They dress too nicely.

The gay men dress much too nicely in their ironed, folded clothes, and their stylish hair. This make alls the women lust for them, and lust is a sin. So not only do the gheys sin, but they make other good honorable christian sin.

4. They have too much aids.

Everyone knows that the gheys have more money than the general popuplation, and they are a lot more likely to donates to terrible organizations like Save Dafur and the Salvation Army. Donating is a sin. They redistribute the wealth! Stupid sinners. If teh gheys were real men, they would be greedy and stash all of their money away.

5. I feel a funny stirring in my loins when I near teh gheys!

I, like most of my conservative friend, get a stiffy whenever I near an incredibly muscular, well dressed, well mannered stud. This feeling is bad! See? The gays make me, the most conservative and family baby, sin too. If we got rid of the gheys, I would be attracted to female babies more. That's how it works, right?