Are you dissatisfied with life? Do you hate pretty much everything? Does your dick get wet about as much as the Saharah? Well, this guide is for you! In five easy steps, you will be able to approach any/every women with the confidence of a man comparing penis sizes with toddlers, TODAY!
1. MAKE SURE YOU GET IN YOUR HEAD, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
Women love a thinking man, so before you make your approach, make sure think about the situtation as much as possible, until it becomes a behemoth of a task. You must equate approaching this woman, to the equivilant of dancing naked in a pit full of cobras. If you aren't thinking about the outcome of her throwing her drink all over your brand new suit, then you're doing it wrong!
2. AVOID EYE CONTACAT LIKE THE PLAGUE!
Boys, the sooner you learn this one, the better you can sweep that vagina like a broom sweeping a bunch of mites off a dead mouse. If you meet eye contact, which the woman will attempt to do, make sure you look away, take a deep gulp from your drink, and mumble something about “She-demons”. You will appear hard to get, and she'll be all over you!
3. WALK AROUND YOUR TARGET LIKE A LION STALKING A GAZELLE, IT MAKES THINGS LESS AWKWARD (compared to how things will be when you actually talk to her and she slaps you in the face for being an awkward piece of shit of an excuse for a human being, who has no value in life and should probably have committed suicide a few years back. You scum).
This ties in with step number one. The more time you take to approach, the deeper in your head you can get (YOU'LL APPEAR INCREDIBLY HIP AND DEEP, LIKE JOHNNY DEPP!) The outcome of the result of approaching will multiple, blow up, and it will eventually consume any fun you are having at your location (GIRLS LOVE UNHAPPY MEN! IT'S SO DEEP AND EMOTIONAL! FEEL THE INNER EMO, TURD). Make sure you are orbiting close to her, not quite enough to touching her, but she has to know that you are attempting to talk to her, but you can't because you're embarssed. She has to feel the awkwardness peeling off of you like a shredded lemon.
4. INTERVIEW HER LIKE YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB AT MCDONALD'S.
Do not have fun in your interaction! If you have fun, and she is having a good time, you might as well shoot yourself in the foot with a knife. To prevent this, you will have to drill her with rapid fire questions. You must find out everything about her! Do not convey your personality, do not give her good vibes. You are supplicating for her affections, and you must appear incredibly desperate (PRETEND YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB, AND YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS. THAT'S THE AMOUNT OF DESPERATION REQUIRED).
e.g.
You: ….h-h-h-h-h-h-i-i-i (MAKE SURE YOU STUTTER, EVEN ON THE ONE SYLLABLE WORDS!)
Her: Ummm, are you alright? You look like you're having a brain aneurysm.
You: What's your favorite color?
Her: Ummm, pink? (SHE IS WEARING ALL PINK, AND THE QUESTION IS REDUNDANT, YOUR FRICKEN RETARD)
You: What's your favorite food?
Her: ummm, rice? (SHE IS ASIAN, AND NOW SHE FEELS AWKWARD ABOUT HER RACE).
You: I like rice too. Where do you work? Address and the time you get to and leave from the place?
Her: Uuuuhhhhhh, I don't even know you...
You: Do you like the way I smell? I like the way you smell (YOU'RE STANDING THREE FEET AWAY FROM HER, AND THE ONLY THING YOU SMELL IS YOUR OWN PRESPIRATION.)
Her: I'm going to, ummm, I'm going to meet up with my friends (SHE IS LYING, AND SHE IS OBVIOUSLY BY HERSELF).
You: What are their names and addresses?
Her: Are you on drugs?
You: Do you do drugs?
Her: (She slaps you in the face and bites your nose off. She also files a restraining order against you, despite never getting your name.)
5. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!
If she can't understand you, you can't mess up (AND THIS IS SUCCESS WITHIN ITSELF. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY FUCKING UP IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE, SO DON'T TAKE ANY, ANY CHANCES, EVER!) Also, girls love looking at you confused, as you're running your super fancy pick up lines. They will think of you as that sexy foreign guy, and then they will obviously sleep with you because your mysterious!
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