It's that time again that we arbitrarily call the new year, and as usual, we all have to make promises for the next three hundred and sixty-five days that we are alive. Why? Because it serves as a smoke screen that hides the true futility of life.
1. KILL SOMETHING EVERYDAY
Survival of the fittest baby. I'm going to show my dominance over everything. I will kill something every 24 hours, and there can be no repeats or hesitations.
2. REPLACE ALL THE SPERM IN THE BANKS WITH MY SPERM
The world will be better with more psychopaths.
3. EAT BETTER
My diet of babies and dogs has lead to high cholesteral and an excessive abundance of awesome. My doctor told me that I will get less super sweet if I don't double my intake.
4. GO TO THE GYM
I need to find the perfect rape victim, and the only way to do that is by finding the fat, slow women in the gym. Perfect, easily nailed targets.
5. SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY
I only seem my family once a year around Thanksgiving. I miss them, and the distance strains our relationship. Time is short. Also, I need to increase the amount of arsenic I feed them to speed up their deaths so I can get my inheritance faster.
