March 29, 2012
A plump little girl will plummet from a building, crushing you instantly. You will make some reference about "When pigs fly" before your death.
March 28, 2012
You will the body of a family member in your trunk. He/she will be alive and well but will be incredibly pissed. S/he will annoy you for the rest of the day.
March 27, 2012
Your ass will bleed from the poop, which was clogged in your intestines.
March 26, 2012
A plane will hit you in the face with it's propeller. Luckily, your face is already ugly.
March 25, 2012
Your poop will clog in your intestines, killing you slowly.
March 24, 2012
A part of your body will be horrifically mutilated.
March 23, 2012
You will approach a woman, and she will bite your nose off.
December 2, 2011 - March 23rd, 2012
You will not have any fortunes.
December 1, 2011
On the first day of Christmas, you will die.
November 30, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because you will choke and die on a wishbone, while wishing for good fortune.
November 29, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because you cooked your turkey like Jew in a Concentration Camp.
November 28, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because your faith in humanity is dead.
November 27, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because your faith in God is dead.
November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because you will realize it is celebrating the massacre of indians.
November 25, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because every member of your family is more successful than you.
November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving will feel empty because your family has died.
November 23, 2011
As you finish your life's work, the first and only successful thing you will ever accomplish, your hard drive will crash.
November 22, 2011
Beware of horses. When Venus is closer to Saturn than the earth, the severe gravitational pull will the horses out of Earth's atmosphere.
November 21, 2011
Your gym will kick you out because you are ruining their reputation.
November 20, 2011
You will discover your fondest memory is a lie.
November 19, 2011
Two out of the three things you love most will lose their meaning.
November 18, 2011
Last November 18th was so much better than this one.
November 17, 2011
You will cook for your family, accidentally poisoning most of them.
November 16, 2011
You will mount a horse for the first and last time.
November 15, 2011
You will feel ten years older than you actually are.
November 14, 2011
After your favorite television show gets cancelled, the meaninglessness of your life will sink in.
November 13, 2011
You will receive tragic news in the form of good news.
November 12, 2011
Your boyfriend will like the sex, which you are not.
November 11, 2011
Your girlfriend will have sex with your favorite pet.
November 10, 2011
You will spring free of the depression that was holding you back. After, you will get diagnosed with cancer.
November 9, 2011
You will have a seizure after reading this sentence.
November 8, 2011
The seeds of an alcohol problem will develop on this day.
November 7, 2011
Beware of lesbians. They are rampant and violent when Venus is closest to the moon.
November 6, 2011
You will find a slimmer of happiness in the turmoil you call your life. It will be false and fleeting.
November 5, 2011
You will let out a fart in a very important meeting. The fart will turn into a shard, and you will embarrass yourself in front of your colleagues.
November 4, 2011
You will suffer a stroke, and you will need to wear an adult diaper for the rest of your life.
November 3, 2011
You will start a blog. No one will read it. Not even your parents or your slut girlfriend.
November 2, 2011
You will fall out of your chair and out of a second story building. Paralyzing you for life.
November 1st, 2011
Your Girlfriend will bone the whole football and basketball team before the homecoming game. They will lose the game because they let out their excess energy all over her face.
October 31, 2011
You will be raped by a bunch of people dressed up as the seven dwarves.
October 30, 2011
A monkey will bite off your finger.
October 29, 2011
Your favorite restaurant will be closed because they spiced their food with rat droppings.
October 28, 2011
Your suicide attempt will fail.
October 27, 2011
Your favorite pet will get hit by a school bus, causing the driver swerve and crash. You will attempt to put the kids who are on fire out, but they will likely die in your hands. The local paper will write scathing reviews about your pet owning skills. They will forbid you from ever owning another animal again.
October 26, 2011
You will find a scribbled drawing underneath your bed of how you will die.
October 25, 2011
Your life will disappoint your parents.
October 24, 2011
You will go work, and a part of you will die from dissatisfaction.
October 23, 2011
Your genitals will never satisfy either sex.
October 22, 2011
You feel yourself aging, and you suddenly realize your life is devoid of any real meaning.
October 21, 2011
The first of many cancerous cells are developing in your liver.
October 20, 2011
You will suffer a terrible injury that will prevent you from doing what you love the most.
October 19, 2011
You will be stabbed by a junkie with a syringe full of oxygen, and you will experience your first episode of cardiac arrest.
October 18, 2011
Your most beloved possessions will catch fire.
October 17, 2011
Your genitals will feel longing, due to your social inadequacies.
October 16, 2011
You will stretch your anus with an abnormally large piece of feces (OR PENIS)
October15, 2011
You will find a lot of blood in your sweat when you work out today.
October 14, 2011
You will eat cake, and you will feel self conscious about your body image.
October 13, 2011
Wear revealing clothing and walk around dark alleyways, until your knight in shining armor rescues you from a gang rape.
October 12, 2011
You will witness your father hit your mother with a baseball bat, causing her to become a vegetable.
October 11, 2011
You will impregnate a pre-teen, and she will die during child birth.
October 10, 2011
You're going to die.
