Why teh gheys destroy america and american dreams.

Conservative Baby here. I am here to talk about the gheys who is invading good conservative churches. The gays is a spreading diseases that must be stopped before all the mens are sucking on teh penis. Very dangerous, because God only said women should suck the cock. Here is fives reasons why the gheys are subhuman monsters.

1. The gheys have too much fun!

Having fun is a sin, and everyone knows that the gays have much more fun than non-gays. They have parades, every day is halloween for them, they know how to pleasure each other better because they are more familiar with their own sex, and they cook delicious food. God says that men and woman should suffer underneath his rules, and the gheys do not suffer enough. If I has miserable life, so should the gheys.

2. They are usually more intelligent and intelligent people vote liberal.

Like teh Asians, teh gheys tend to be more intelligent, and like all smart, college educated peoples, they vote stupidly democratic. This is sin worse than being a communist. Everyone knows that Satan controls the democrats, and the gays are followers of the demon one.

3. They dress too nicely.

The gay men dress much too nicely in their ironed, folded clothes, and their stylish hair. This make alls the women lust for them, and lust is a sin. So not only do the gheys sin, but they make other good honorable christian sin.

4. They have too much aids.

Everyone knows that the gheys have more money than the general popuplation, and they are a lot more likely to donates to terrible organizations like Save Dafur and the Salvation Army. Donating is a sin. They redistribute the wealth! Stupid sinners. If teh gheys were real men, they would be greedy and stash all of their money away.

5. I feel a funny stirring in my loins when I near teh gheys!

I, like most of my conservative friend, get a stiffy whenever I near an incredibly muscular, well dressed, well mannered stud. This feeling is bad! See? The gays make me, the most conservative and family baby, sin too. If we got rid of the gheys, I would be attracted to female babies more. That's how it works, right?

CATCH THE PERFECT MAN, TODAY!

Cornering, trapping, and mating with your knight in shining armor can be a difficult and sometimes tedious process, but with this no-nonsense guide, you can wangle that perfect stud TODAY!

1. GET BIGGER BREASTS!

Silicon in your mammary glands will always enhance the chances of catching the eyes of the perfect man. The best way to grab his attention is if you hit him in the face with your boob (FROM TWO FEET AWAY). He will find the experience enjoyable and terrifying! Your breast will be the size of bowling balls and will feel like them too!

2. STOP EATING!

Eat only enough to exist. Any more is an excess. You have to accentuate those child bearing hips, tiny waist, and medicine ball sized milk squirters! Also, if you get thin enough, you can look like a twelve year old boy, some guys love that! A man loves getting extra helpings, so the less you eat, the more of your portions he can have. He'll love you forever!

3. CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF TO SUIT HIM!

Any feminist who tells you individuality is important is a lying whore. She just wants all the dicks for herself. If you get a boyfriend, you should dress exactly like him, pick up his hobbies, and learn his schedule. A woman is only as good as she can serve her man! Without a husband, you become the cat woman who smells like kitty urine all the time!

4. LEARN TO GIVE REALLY GOOD HEAD!

Men love this! When your man finds out that you gave all of his friends blow jobs, on your knees, in the men's bathroom, while sobbing to yourself about low self-esteem, you will instantly gain his respect. He'll hear nothing but compliments from his buddies, and he'll probably pursue you to have a threesome with him and his best friend.

5. GET NAKED

Dudes love them birthday suits. That means you should try and be as naked as possible while around him. Also, stop wearing normal bras. You may consider those extra large wonder bras to enhance your already large orbitals of joys, or you could go the no bra route. Either work great, especially with your size DDDD silicon enhanced teats. You should consider wearing tight/short clothing whenever possible, because you never know when you may meet the man of your dreams.

P.S.

As you're wooing that perfect guy, you should find your local crack head and have him teach you how shank a bitch and get rid of that pesky body. Once you find guy of your dreams, you can dispose of him and take all of his money!

LEARN HOW TO BE A POLICE OFFICER AND PROTECT PEOPLE OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES, SOME DAYS, AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT.

Ever feel like you're better than every other person? Ever get the urge to step on guinea pigs? Ever feel like you're a sociopath? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you should consider a job in law enforcement (I PREFER THE TERM “HIPPY KICKER”). The job is easy, and you don't need to pass any physical test! Here are some of the proud traditions you can take part in, TODAY!

Stupid veterans think they're above the law. Well we showed that scumbag!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/oct/26/scott-olsen-occupy-oakland-review?newsfeed=true

You do something illegal? Well don't worry, the rest of your cronies will help you cover up the crime. If you're recklessly driving and kill two teenagers while on duty, one of your friends will delete all of the videos. If you're real unlucky, you may get suspended for one day!

http://www.ctpost.com/news/article/Milford-cop-suspended-for-erasure-of-dashboard-677193.php

You don't feel brave enough to do something illegal? Well, you can still be a complete douche! Someone disagrees with you? Well, give them a parking ticket for not parking twelve inches from the curb! HELL YEAH!

http://boingboing.net/2011/06/24/rochester-police-use.html

Here are five qualifications to become a defender of the law!

1. YOU MUST HAVE PURCHASED EVERY SINGLE TYPE OF DONUT AT DUNKINS (the munchkins too if you're a real bad ass!)

If I am your potential employer, I don't care if you're a diabetic. You must still fulfill your donut quota before I hand you a badge and a gun. It's the law!

2. DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? WELL WE HAVE THE PERFECT JOB FOR YOU~

We especially like people who drop out due to violent crimes. Being a complete moron and failing out of arithmetic is a nice touch, but we definitely like our violent offenders. You should be the type of hot head who picks fights with women who grind up too closely at a club. If she's beautiful and you still wipe that smile off her face with a few well placed knuckles, you'll be perfect!

3. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO LIE, ESPECIALLY IN THE COURT OF LAW!

Did one of your buddies beat a toddler with his baton? Well, you'll have to say otherwise while placing your hand on a bible (NO ONE'S EVER LIED WHILE TOUCHING THE BIBLE, RIGHT? RIGHT!?). You should be able to say with a straight face, “That toddler came at him with a threatening baby bottle, and he was clearly in danger.” Don't worry about that whole under oath shenanigans, you're the police AND you're above the law! The laws are only there for people who don't have enough power, connections, or money to break them!

4. YOU MUST HAVE A STRONG INDIFFERENCE OR HATRED TOWARDS MINORITY GROUPS, ESPECIALLY BLACKS.

Part of the Kool Kids Klub? Do you get uncomfortable when you see a black man gardening on his own property? Well you'll be perfect! Half of the people you arrest will have darker skin than you, and it helps to have a healthy suspicion of them (AT ALL TIMES).

5. YOU HAVE LITTLE TO NO EMPATHY/SYMPATHY FOR ANYONE!

Are you the type of guy who laughs when you cut someone off, but you rage when some dick wad does the same to you? Do you laugh when you see a baby tumble down a flight of stairs? It sounds like you have the true making of the defenders of the constitution. Remember, nothing is tragic unless it happens to you.

Please! You have to help me!

Hey! For anyone reading this crazy ass blog, you have to save me! I'm Fido the Talking Dog. Chivalrous Tart kidnapped me from my loving owners from across the street. Well, he kidnapped a whole litter of golden retrievers, but he cooked the rest of us! My brothers, sisters are all dead.

The only reason I'm alive is because Tart replaced my dog vocals with human cords. He cut open my throat without any anesthetics and performed the entire surgery while I was conscious. I remember him snipping and cutting through my fur and skin with pliers and house hold scissors. He had used those same scissors to wrap Christmas presents!

I remember the last bark I ever made. It was a pained howl as he stuffed an oxygen wire down my open esophagus! How I miss barking! It is such a freeing sensation, and it was the way god made me. Whenever I talk, my throat burns and itches, and the muscles pulsate and move like a slug through my mouth.

My sewed on lips occasionally need to be reapplied, so I can pronounce words. Even then, my words come out slow and blurred, like a drunk after getting punched in the face. The nerves on the end of my face have gone dead because he constantly pokes needles into them to sew on the lips.

The only things he feeds me is his left overs. I get severe indigestion, and I vomit every single night. The only thing he cooks are dogs and fried chicken. He doesn't realize that I need a mix of vegetables in my diet. Dogs are Omnivores!

I'm not the only one held against my will. He kidnapped a tranny and keeps him/her in a closet. He slips food through a few holes he drilled in the wall. The poor man/woman hasn't seen light in over two years. The only way I know there's still someone there is because he sobs throughout the day, and the smell is horrendous. The poor guy lives in his own wastes.

There's also this baby that Chivalrous Tart keeps in his bed room. The only thing that baby is allowed to eat is fried chicken and Freedom Fries. Chivalrous Tart brought the youth here a year ago, and he immediately made the child watch Fox News fifteen hours a day. The rest of his days he spends shooting guns to prepare the Communist Invasion. It isn't safe here. He's a gun toting baby around the age of two or three. The only full sentences he speaks are “Atheists are going to burn in hell”, “Praise Jesus”, and “The Communists are coming, the Communists are coming”.

I found out the password to his computer. It was his name “chivalrous tart”. It wasn't like I was hacking the Matrix or anything. I'm not a genius. I'm just your average talking dog, and I need your help. Please, alert Pet Abuse Hotline or something. Call the army!

The least you can do is find Trixie, an Alaskan Husky who lives in 2324 Oak Road, Fullerton California. She is the love of my life, and I'm sure she misses me. We used to have doggy play dates every Wednesday and Friday at 330 in Lesly's Dog Park. I miss her, and if you're reading this Trixie, I love you. I always have. Please, rescue me. I just want to return to my life before my capture.

You need to save us! He fed me my family members!

Love,

Fido, the Talking Dog.

ADVENTURES OF A BOY AND HIS BEST FRIEND: A ROCK.

(Enter Boy. He has a long mushroom cut, and he wears a Tool sweat shirt with a pentagram in the middle. He has head phones, and he is jamming out by himself and with his best friend, a rock he holds in his right hand.)

Boy: Tool sure is a swell band, isn't it Todd?

Todd (the rock): …

Boy: Wow, I'm glad we have all the same opinions on everything. It's like you're in my head.

Todd: …

Boy: I feel like life is about the people you spend your time with.

Todd:

Boy: Without people, life sure wouldn't be meaningless, right Todd?

Todd:

Boy (Smiles at camera): My life sure is swell. Smashes his teeth with the pet rock, until his face is bloody and he becomes unconscious.

Fin

HOW TO GET THE CONFIDENCE OF THAT DOUCHE BAG WITH THREE POP COLLARED T-SHIRTS, TODAY!

Do you ever overestimate yourself by saying how great you could be if you had a chance? Ever believe that you're secretly smarter than everyone but everyone is too stupid to see your genius? If you are seriously that deluded, this guide is for you! Show the world that you have unabashedly given up on your own individuality, today!

1. MOAR POP COLLARS!

Dress for success because on the inside, you are a piece of shit! Remember, dressing well can completely hide any of your insecurities because people will be too razzled and dazzled by your cool clothing that they forget you have no personality and you're a shapeless blob beneath all the designer clothes. If you're a man, this means add more collars! They hide your pock mocked face and your hideous broccoli shaped nose. If you're a girl, you should wear pop collars too! They will hide your eating problems (AND YOUR TRIPLE CHIN)!

2. STOP THINKING! THOUGHTS ARE A WEAKNESS THAT ALLOWS INSULTS TO HURT, SO KILL THEM WITH ALCOHOL!

Moar whippets! Stick and stones will break your bones, but words will only hurt you if they go through the proper electrical channels that will uncomfortably raise your cortisol levels, raising your blood pressure. Well, you can stop this, Today! First, break into your local veterinary and steal horse tranquilizers! Stick them into your skin like your dad banged away on your mom the night your were conceived! If a horse can handle these things, so can you. The only reason it is illegal is because all the cool kids want to stay on top. If you can't obtain horse traquilzers, you will need to opt for lots and lots of alcohol. This way you can beat those brain cells into submission. Nothing says retarded like drunken retarded. Don't waste your time with marijuana. That stuff doesn't have long term detrimental effects on your brain, and you will only remain stupid for the time you're stoned.

3. WRITE SERIOUS THOUGHTS IN YOUR BLOG!

Remember, only super sweet kids own blogs. If you put your opinions down on the internet, it shows you have a high enough opinion about yourself that people are willing to sacrifice a moment from watching awesome Jersey Shore in order to hear your useless and unoriginal opinions. Remember, flood your facebook with posts about your stupid blog until the only friends you have left are your parents and that creepy girl with chipped tooth.

4. COLOGNE! CHOKE A BITCH WITH IT!

Nothing says confidence like fifty dollar smelly liquids. Showers are for people with no hair around their testicles; real men bathe in a tub full of cologne. Make sure you get it up your anus, so your shit can turn the guy in the stall next to you gay. Drink it, breathe it, love it. You are nothing without your scent, and all the girls will know it. It is a proven fact that cologne is a magnet for vaginas, pulling them toward your body.

5. LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FRIENDS DO. DO NOT BE ORIGINAL. SAFETY IN NUMBERS.

Don't want to be made fun of? Well, become the people who are making fun of you! Start wearing the same clothes as all of your friends (AND ESPECIALLY THE SAME COLOGNE). That way, if you meet someone who isn't dressed like you, you can berate and beat them for being different. After a few beatings, you will feel pretty good about yourself.

Guest Post

Hello!

My name is Conservative Baby! I is guest blogging for Chivalrous Tart because he is in jail for cooking his neighbor's golden retriever. I hate everything about Liberals and those stinking hippy, communists, satanists, young, yogurt lovers (Yogut makes me make sloppy poopy). They are completely stupid and uneducated when compared to us super smart conservatives. ALL liberal arguments is wrong, and every single liberal are stupider than every Conservative. FACT! Here is a photo of me in my crib.

I Want You! To Give Me Some Nipple, Before I get Bitey.

EVOLUTION IS LIBERAL LIE!

Everyone knows that The Evolution is a big fat liberal lie, as big as the the tit I suck on every night for dinner. Liberal smear Christianity with satan science (ALL SCIENCE IS SATAN BECAUSE THEY BOTH START WITH “S”. COINCIDENCE?) Here are five reason why Evolution is causing social decay, and we should stop learning it, FACT!

1. EVOLUTION IS NAZI

Hitler was one of the biggest advocate of Evolution, to the point where he tried to kill all the Jews. The reason he commit evolution murder is because Hitler hate big nose (CITATION NEEDED). He also love blonde hair and he hate black hair, so he kill lot of big nose people. That why Evolution is Nazi.

2. I AM NO MONKEY. WHY ARE THERE NO HALF MONKEY WALKING AROUND?

If human come from monkey, why are there no monkey-people (EXCEPT FOR BIG FOOT. ALL REAL CONSERVATIVES KNOWS BIG FOOT HATE LIBERAL!) Big foot no count though. He is half ape, half human. He is no half monkey, half people. A lot of expert Christian scientists cite big foot in their papers.

3. BIBLE MAKE EVERYTHING!

Everyone know there is a lot of proof for God. There is a lot of evidence, like, I saw Jesus in my dream last night, and he told me so. Also, my pastor told me that God is real, and God tell him God is real, and God says bible is true, and bible is always right, so God must bible. There is more evidence for God, than for millions of years worth of evolution, FACT!

4. SATAN PUT BONE IN GROUND TO CONFUSE GOOD CHRISTIANS

Everyone know he who must not be named put fossil in ground. Look at this irreutable proof! Satan live in ground, so Satan put bone in ground. How can stupid liberal argue with that logic? You can't!

5. LIBERAL BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION, AND LIBERAL WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING!

A lot of experts like Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh no believe in Evolution. Only stupid scientists like Richard Dawkins, Stupid Darwin, Eric Lander, Every Single Reputuable Biologist/Ecologist/Weatherman, you see, only stupid people is evolutionist. Name one issue liberal has right other than universal suffrage, interracial marriage, public education, and slavery? You can't! Fact!

FIVE RECIPES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR TASTE BUDS SCREAM “ET TU, BRUTE?”, TODAY! (Part 1 of 5)

Too many recipes are too impersonal. I mean, you never know the cows or baby lambs you eat, so this recipe is here to satisfy that void of homliness. There's nothing better than a homegrown meal!

Part One: SAUTEED BELOVED PET!

1 OUNCE OF BELOVED GARLC POWDER

1 BELOVED STRIP OF BACON

1 BELOVED ONION

3 GRAMS OF TOMATOE SAUCE

½ PACK OF RAMEN

1 BELOVED HOUSE PLANT

1 BELOVED PET (dog or guinea pig, preferably. Cats are too bony, and their meows are heart breaking).

First add your beloved onion, tomato sauce, and pack of ramen into a bowl of oil. Bring to a boil for twenty minutes. You may want to be near an exit, because the excessive amount of grease may catch your house on fire.

Pre-heat your oven to four hundred degrees. Put your beloved pet in (IF IT WORKED FOR THE JEWS, IT'LL WORK FOR YOUR ANIMALS). You may want to have an iPod near by to play Justin Beiber music, as the screeching from your beloved pet, as it is burning alive, clawing at the oven as its fur catches on fire, may be too heart breaking for you (IF YOU'RE A SICK FUCK, YOU CAN FAP AND ADD IT TO THE SAUTEE MIX).

Once your animal stopS scratching, remove the pet, and put it in the bucket of grease. Stir regularly for twenty minutes, or until the ligaments holding the muscle to the bone dissolve. You should be able to see muscle and flesh floating around like living meat1 You can pluck the eye balls out, if you're attempting to reduce sodium content, as shown below.

It should look like this if you're doing it right.

You're almost done. Now, take out your favorite butcher knife and imagine the piece of meat is your ex-girl friends, current boyfriend's genitals! Cut that bugger up, and serve your dish on a nice porcelain plate. Add your beloved bacon and serve it to the children!

HOW TO NOT HAVE A PUSSY HALLOWEEN COSTUME, TODAY (or on Halloween)!

Were you some ass lame ghost last year? Did your parents dress you up as a pumpkin? Were you the opposite sex? Well, this year, you're going to have the baddest, most awesome, and definitely original costume, ever! Just follow these five easy tips.

1. USE REAL SKIN AND BLOOD FROM YOUR DEAD PETS!

Dead animals are useless, until now! Dig up your dead pet (OR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG WHICH YOU CURBED STOMPED), and dump the carcass on the dinner table. You will proceed to cut the flesh off of it with your CUTCO knives because they resharpen them for free! Set the mangled, rotting skin in a mixture of starch and glue to keep it fresh. Then scoop out the insides and separate the organs (THEY MAY BE FILLED WITH MAGOTTS) into different containers.

2. BLEND UP THE ORGANS

Put all of the organs into a blender and go crazy on it. Once it's in a soupy mixture, you have your morning juice for the next week. You can also throw this at children asking for candy, (MAKE SURE YOU SHOUT “I CHOOSE TRICK AND TREATS, BITCH”). Injesting the organs is key, because you have to smell like a dead animal, for this costume to have greatest awesomeness.

3. BLEACH YOUR SKIN

No more water in your baths! Make sure you soak your skin in bleach, because you want to be as pale as possible for this super sweet costume. It may burn at first (THAT'S YOUR NERVES BEING PUSSIES), but you will soon grow numb. You probably won't chafe because the chemical reactions are eating your skin.

4. STAPLE YOUR COSTUME ON

You will staple the skin onto your own body, but you should only do it in patches. You should get some around your head, middle area, legs, and most importantly the crotch (BECAUSE THIS COSTUME WILL GET YOU LAID). Don't be a girl; the staples will only go in a few inches (IF YOU START CRYING, APPLY STAPLES TO YOUR EYES).

5. FIND A GAY LOOKING WIG

You need to find a wig that will make you look like a hippy (KILL A HIPPY AND SCALP HIM IF YOU'RE CHEAP). You will super glue this onto your head, so it appears authentically terrible. You may want to slice your throat (ONLY YOUR LARYNX, YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE [well, you may want to due to excess pain]). With your vocal cords cut, you will walk around making terrible dying noises, because you may actually be dying if you didn't do this last part right.

Ta Dah! Punchline! Fuck Yeah!

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/File:ZombieJC.jpg

LOSE WEIGHT, TODAY!

Hey there fatty. The first step to lose weight would be GETTING OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER AND RUNNING TEN MILES UNTIL THE FAT BLEEDS OFF, but if you're here, it means you're giving me traffic. And also, because you're here, you'll lose all the weight today (NOT ACTUALLY POSSIBLE, UNLESS YOU GOT A BIG KNIFE/SWORD, IN WHICH CASE, GO ALL EMO ON THAT CHUB).

1. FOOD IS THE ENEMY. ONLY EAT 100 CALORIES A WEEK, UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR BODY IMAGE!

Anorexia is a myth those diet pill suppliers spread to sale their products. Not eating, fasting in most cultures, is the most efficient ways to melt that fat off! Your body will start eating the fat immediately, and you will feel great as it happens. Keep telling yourself, no matter how thin you are, that food is always the enemy. You can always lose a few more pounds and be incredibly healthy. If people call you anorexic, call them a fat ass, until they stop eating too!

2. BIG BONED? WELL STOP DRINKING CALCIUM!

Brittle bones is the key to any skinny individual. Your parents probably loaded you up with milk and vitamin D, dooming you to a lifetime of big bones (WHICH HAPPENS TO ALSO BE COVERED IN TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF MCDONALDS FAT). You can counter this big-boned problem by never taking in calcium and drinking lots of (AT LEAST TEN CUPS) of coffee. C affine rots your bones until you're just a pile of lard! Also, if you want to burn off that extra bone, ingest caffeine pills every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not only will you be skinny, but you'll have plenty of healthy energy that will last you all day. Brittle bones is so good for you women naturally develops this during osteoporosis. Speed up nature's benefits, today!

3. NEVER TAKE PERSONAL REPSONIBILITIES.

Remember, it's never your fault. It's not your fault that you ate fast food for the past thirty years of your life, it's not your fault that you never run, swim, or do anything physical activities, it's not your fault that you watch ten hours of Jersey Shore every night (RERUNS ARE SO CASH), it's not your fault you can't stand up because your muscles are jello, and it's definitely not your fault that you have to drink a milkshake with every meal (MILKSHAKES ARE DELICIOUS). So whose fault is it? Genetics.

It ain't pretty unless you can kill it with one swift kick.

4. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY

That scale is a lying piece of shit. Those girls aren't giggling with you, they're giggling because they're jealous and would starve to death months before you even start to get hungry. Those guys are just jealous because you could crush the in a sumo wrestling match. The only opinion that matters about your looks, are you own (AND DIABETES).

5. APPEAR DUMBFOUNDED WHEN YOU CAN'T GET A DATE (to go to McDonald's [BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIT IN THE PASSENGER SEAT{because you're fat, lol}])!

Need two seats on the plane? Well, you better order a third one, just to be safe. Remember, by acting offended in almost every situation, you will increase your pulse (GET A HEART ATTACK) and lower your weight due to increased stressed on your body. If anyone requests for you to find another seat or buy another one, FREAK THE FUCK OUT. How dare they complain about your body crushing them for the next ten hours. When I sat freak out, I'm talking about full on fat rage. Crush anyone who attempts to put you down. If the police come, keep rampaging because your fat will serve as a bullet proof vest. Make sure you suffocate as many people as you can. This is the best (AND ONLY TIME YOU SHOULD EVER WORK UP A SWEAT [exercise sucks]).

HOW TO BE THE HERO THE CITY DESERVES, NOT THE ONE IT NEEDS, TODAY!

Every feel like you aren't doing enough for your fellow man? Well, if you haven't, you need to go to the nearest neighbor's house and stomp on their dog (THERE'S 100% CHANCE THE LITTLE BASTARD TOOK A CRAP IN YOUR YARD). Once you get the dog's eye glook off your shoes and the neighbor has called the cops, it's time for you to become the hero your city deserve!

1. MOST IMPORTANT STEP: HAVE INCREDIBLY RICH PARENTS

You must have parents who can support your exploits...otherwise you're fucked. If you are going to come back home with gun shot wounds, dog bites, and embarrassing rashes you're going to be dropped by your insurance company (UNLESS YOU'RE IN EUROPE, IN WHICH CASE YOUR INSURANCE INDUSTRY ISN'T BROKEN). You'll need your parents to cover the hospital bills and your fancy sweet equipment. For starters, you need to buy a tank.

2. YOUR PARENTS NEED TO DIE TRAGICALLY.

In order to get full access to your rich parent's funds, they need to die covertly (IF YOU GET CAUGHT, YOU COULD PROBABLY PAY YOUR WAY OUT WITH YOUR DEAD PARENT'S MONEY. JAIL SUCKS THOUGH, YOU GONNA GET RAPED) From personal experience, walking with your parents through thug filled alleyways, in the middle of the night, is the best way. You'll need to whine and moan saying that you want to see an obscure theater in the middle of the Projects, and since your parents are rich (AND YOU'RE A SPOILED CUNT), they'll take you. Keep walking around until you see black people. They'll shoot those pesky parents dead, and they will probably let you go (AFTER A FEW DICKS SUCKED).

3. GET A SIDEKICK

This is by far the easiest step: kidnap an orphan. Then dress him up in tights, a mask, and hair gel. After, you have to lock him up in your bat cage because he will try and run away (BEATINGS UNTIL HE STOPS). After a few weeks of neglect, you can let him out of the cell, and you can continue your intensely erotic/non-homophobic training, which includes swashbuckling sword fighting (THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PENISH JOKE), muscle building in the nude, and wrestling (NUDE OR NON-NUDE, IT'S EQUALLY GAY). After you brainwash him, you'll have your very own side kick!

4. GET A BUTLER

Just kidding, this is the easiest step: kidnap someone's grandfather from a retirement home. You should go through a grueling selection process because the perfect butler has to have a combination of: Morgan Freeman's voice, a knowledge of computers, great hands for cleaning, and Alzheimer (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY, OTHERWISE HE'LL TRY AND RUN AWAY, IN WHICH CASE, YOU'LL NEED TO UTILIZE BEATINGS). The perfect butler will give you melodramtic speeches about people wanting to watch the world burn, and he will magically heal your bullet wounds. Due to old age, you may need to replace your butler every few years (SKIN THE ORIGINAL AND STAPLE THE LOOSE REMAINS ON THE REPLACEMENT TO AVOID CONTINUITY PROBLEMS!)

5. FIGHT CRIMINALS (optional)

Now you're ready to become the hero this city deserves! This next step is dangerous and should be broken into several stages (WE'RE ONLY ALLOWED FIVE STEPS, SO WE'RE CUTTING CUTTING CORNERS). You need to start by beating up any siblings you have (YOUNGER THE BETTER, SO THEY CAN'T FIGHT BACK). Once you gain some confidence, you can move onto your butler and sidekick (MAKE SURE THEY'RE CHAINED UP OR CRIPPLED). After you break a few orphan noses and grandfather bones, I think you're ready for the real deal: That kid who picked on you in elementary school (OR HIS CHILDREN). Look up their address, sneak in through a window, and pepper spray them while they're asleep (THEN BEATINGS). If there are any terrorist in your area, you should probably let the police handle them. They're dangerous.

DEVELOP YOUR MYSTERIOUS STYLE TODAY AND PICK UP GIRLS...TODAY!

You ever sit in your bed masturbating, with a rack of paper towels and your laptop propped in between your legs, crying? I know I do...I mean did. Now you don't have to with these five easy steps to pick up the girl of your dream (OR A FAT CHICK IF THAT DOESN'T WORK).

1. DON'T INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO ANY GIRLS. LEAVE THAT SHIT TO DESTINY.

If it wasn't meant to be, go sulk in your room...and masturbate. Don't ever man up because the girl will probably think your gross (MAYBE BECAUSE YOUR COVERED IN YOUR OWN SEMEN). Instead of approaching her, call her a slut to your friends, and lower her status in your head, so you can save your self-esteem. Self-Esteem is incredibly important, because once the girl does approach you, you have to feel great about yourself. DON'T EVER APPROACH A GIRL.

2. SHOW AS LITTLE PERSONALITY AS POSSIBLE. GIRLS LOVE TOUGH GUYS!

Don't be a little bastard like Justin Bieber. Girls want a tough guy who can beat them at a moments notice (DINNER NOT PREPARED? THAT'S A BEATING). They don't want you to make them laugh, that's what they have girlfriends for. If you make a girl laugh, you'll get friend zoned, and the only way to get out of being “just friends” are constant beatings, until your fists bleed (HER BLOOD DOESN'T COUNT. KEEP POUNDING THERE, BUDDY). When a girl describes you, it shouldn't be with the words fun, funny, humorous, or nice. It should be closer to angry, poorly tempered, and that stalker guy. Girls love this shit secretly. That's why they always end up in emotionally/physically abusive relationships!

3. DO NOT MAKE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH THEM (except with your fists). THEIR FUMES COULD GET YOU SICK.

Girls have all sorts of perfumes and shit on. It's not meant for guys, and it can cause terrible allergies and rashes. Be aware! If she comes close to you, push her away and say “ew” or “FUCK, YOU GOT ME” (the next step is beatings, obviously). As you can see, your knuckles are evolved in such a way that you can make contact with a woman's jaw, with the least amount of contact with your own skin. Fists are God's gift to men. If he didn't want us to beat women, why would he make them so hard and boney?

4. GIVE INSINCERE COMPLIMENTS. ANYTHING MEANINGFUL COULD ME MISCONSTRUED AS A PERSONALITY.

Girls hear all sorts of compliments all the time, and they have grown immune to them. In order to raise your social status above the other guys, you're going to have to be unique. Throw out compliments that you don't really mean. Most people give compliments for legitimate reasons, but that's THE WAY YOUR GRANDFATHER GOT INTO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S PANTS (AND MOTHER'S PANTS, IF YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH). Be hip and edgy. Throw out compliments you don't mean, or better yet, things that aren't even true!

Sure fire Examples:

“I THINK YOU'RE NOT AS FAT TODAY, WANT TO BONE?”

“You have such a beautiful face when it's dark out.”

“Your legs are like spaghetti. Wriggly.”

“I hear you suck a mean penis...I mean pen.”

“Wow, you actually look good today!”

“You look very slim. Let's go to the gym!”

5. DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. GIRLS WANT STRONG GUYS WHO CAN PUT UP WITH THEIR SHENNANIGANS!

When girls talk they hate it when you sit there and nod. A better rule of thumb is to say the exact opposite and act incredibly offended by them their previous statements. This works best with religious and political topics (DEAD ANIMALS IS A GREAT SUBJECT ANYTIME).

Example Conversation with my Ex-Girlfriend

“I had such a hard day at work.”

“No you didn't.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Actually, I did. Mike screamed at me because I accidentally killed a patient with laffy taffy.”

“No.”

“What?”

“You.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Didn't”

“Well, I think I lost my job, and I can't pay rent this week. I'm going to get evicted and lose everything.”

“SUPER SWEET!” (Then comes the beatings)

“You're so insensitive!”

“Nope.”

“God is dead.”

“NO HE ISN'T. I WAS WITH HIM YESTERDAY.” I start warming up my knuckles. She starts crying.

“I think I'm losing my faith in God. I mean, the universe is so big and everything, that I can't imagine that we are anything but a spec of dust in an infitium of nothing.”

“No. That's stupid. God loves us because the bible says so. The bible is right because it is God's word.”

“That's circular logic, and I-” And that's how most of the beatings started.

“Animal abuse is terrible.”

“It's actually a gift to your pets.”

“What?”

“Read my post on how to train your dog.”

HOW TO BE A SUPERSWEET (THAT'S INCREDIBLY SUGARY, AND YOU'LL GET DIABETES) DOG OWNER!!!

Haven't you ever wanted to save Timmy from that poorly placed well? With these five simple steps, you can teach your dog to chew off Lassie's face!

1. BEAT YOUR DOG (WITH YOUR FISTS/FEET/BASEBALL BAT/IRON)!

How can your dog be a fighting champ without a supersweet rolemodel? If you don't beat your dog with your fists, who will? When ever Fido does something resembling bad behavior (yipping, peeing in your vases, not biting the mailman), punch him in that stupid face until he cries (DOGS HAVE WEAK TEAR DUCTS, SO PUNCH HARD)! If he's just a tiny guy, show him whose boss with a good old curb stomp. After a good couple of well placed, concussion causing strikes, your dog will behave, and he'll love you for it.

2. TRANSPLANT YOUR DOG'S POOP INTO YOUR NEIGHBOR'S YARD!

Tired of picking up dog shit? Well, the number one training tip any legit dog trainer will tell you is to get Fido's scent away from your yard and into your personal trashcan (THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD)! If your neighbor sees you doing this, throw the dog feces at him! Then your dog will have a second place to take a shit. (DON'T BUY AN ELECTRIC FENCE! YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DOG OFF YOUR YARD! IF YOU MUST, PURCHASE ONE, BUY A REAL ONE WITH PURE IRON AND TWO THOUSAND WATTS! NONE OF THIS INVISIBLE FENCE SHIT. YOUR DOG WILL LOVE IT!)

3. SAVE MONEY AND ONLY FEED YOUR DOGS LEFTOVERS!

Why spend money at Petco or Petsmart? Those places are goddamn scams who try to make an extra buck off your hard earned cash (SITTING BEHIND A CUBICLE). Everyone knows sales people are scumbags! If you can survive off of pork fried rice, fried chicken, and chocolate, so can Fido! Why should your dog get special food? That's speciesism!

4. DON'T BATH YOUR DOG! IT'S BAD FOR THEIR SKIN AND THEY'LL ROLL AROUND IN THE DIRT ANYWAYS!

This is the biggest mistake! I have no problems with leaving a baby in the bath tub by itself, because it will osmosis the water and get clean, but a stupid dog will just roll around in fish guts right after a bath. What's the point of a shower, when the creature obviously loves being dirty? Besides, Dogs are like cats, and they can maintain themselves with their tongues. The trick is to add soap into their daily meal, so they have the cleaning bubbles on the tip of their tongue (DON'T BE A CHEAP ASS! USE DISHWASHER SOAP)

5. LEAVE YOUR NEW DOG WITH YOUR NEW BORN SO THEY BECOME FRIENDS FASTER!

If you pick up your dog from the Pound or the SPCA, you should introduce them to your child as soon as possible! That way both of them can become life time buds from the get go. If you wait too long, they won't be good friends, and then you'll have to choose one day between kicking out your child or man's best friend! Just leave the baby carriage and Fido in a room, lock the door, and watch an episode of Jersey Shore! When you'll get back, you'll find a SUPERSWEET FRIENDSHIP (OF BLOOD)! GUARANTEED.

WRITE THE NEXT TWLIGHT, TODAY (OR IF YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED, IN A COUPLE OF HOURS)

WRITE THE NEXT TWLIGHT, TODAY (OR IF YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED, IN A COUPLE OF HOURS)

With these five no nonsense rules, you can write your own Stephanie Meyers Twilight series by TOMORROW. If you follow my guide, you can't help but become a huge success!

1. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T DESCRIBE YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS, EXCEPT FOR THEIR ABS.

Make sure you give your characters as little descriptions as possible! Who needs specific details that signal your characters have a real personality? Those suck! If you write a character, make sure that you use only adjectives and adverbs because these show that you REALLY think the character is hot. How else are you going to tell your reader that?

Example

Edwards was so hot because he has hot brown eyes with REALLY, REALLY, HOT abs, and a HOT hair cut, and when I say hot, I mean extremely, superly, awesomely, hot hair cut. Did I mention Edwards had Hot eyes? So hot!

2. MISUSE PUNCUTATION AND CAPITALIZATIONS! KIDS THESE DAYS DON'T CARE ABOUT IT, SO WHY SHOULD YOU? LOL.

If you want to get cereal abouts writing, makes sures you writes like your audience does. NEVAR FORGET! The only way to get peeps to read your writing is if you use numb3rs whenevers possibles. You mays have a toughs times readinggs, but this generation of readers (GENERATION AWESOMES) will understands youz perfects. Use lots of slangs and terminologies that the make Kanye seem like a literary wordsmith!

Examplez

Bella was very :( that she moves to WA. She haz no friend there, and no wanted to leaves her BBFs at her others home. Her FEMALE PARENTAL UNIT haz new boyfriend who haz to go 4 N3W l33t job at Washington, lol. She sad because no pale boys in WA because too lameo. Only M3xicans.

3. MAKE SURE YOU ISOLOATE YOURSELF FROM ANY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITIQUE BECAUSE YOUR WRITING IS ALREADY PERFECT!

If anyone criticizes your writing, immediately write them off as a hater. The only constructive critiques are the ones that are like “LOLZ, SO GOODS.” or “I fapped”. If anyone says anything about the lack of plot, character development, or grammar tell them they are ignorant pigs who just don't 'get' your genius. Then make up a bunch of credentials about how you are more qualified then they are when it comes to judging your own writing.

Example:

@Almost Professional Writer

This is barely a scene let alone a story. It's literally six paragraphs about Edward's abs. Your grammar was horrid, and you should consider rereading your work because large chunks of it doesn't make sense. Also, you used the word “Hot” twenty or thirty times, in this five hundred word piece. Consider varying your volcab and sentence structures. It would make the piece easier to read.

@MOST TALENTED WRITER'S IN THE WORLD

Why do you hate so much? Your words hurt so much that I decided to cuts myself, but I ate so much chocolate after reading your review that no blood would come out. It ain't my fault that you don't see the beauty of my work, okay hater? I write quality stuff, and I have like twenty publishers eating from the palm of my hand. I read some of your pieces, and I left nasty reviews on all of them. See how you like having a hater, hater.

4. MAKE USE OF CLICHES! THEY ARE PROVEN WAYS TO GET YOUR IDEAS ACROSS AND THEY SHOW YOU ARE TALENTED. YOU WILL EARN LOTS OF RESPECT.

Use cliches at least once every paragraph. These well known sayings such as “Raining like cats and dogs” or “The field is greener on the other side” have stood the “test of time” and they showcase your writing style. ALL PROFESSIONAL WRITERS use them! No exceptions! If you can't think of an image, just throw in a cliché. It's like superglue that holds the story together. Hell, the cliché doesn't even have to make sense! This is how powerful they are.

Example

Edward was so hot. He has brown eyes and ABS OF STEEL (Buns too!). Bella Swan was down on her luck, since she moved, but she knew the field was always greener on the other side, so she persisted. Bella got butterflies in her stomach as Edward walked past. He was sculpted like a Greek God and he was mysterious like a mysterious sandwich. She dropped her pencil, praying to the Lord Jesus Christ, that Edward would be a gentleman and pick it up for the love of his life. Lol.

5. SAY INCREDIBLY VAGUE STUFF THAT MAKES THE READER THINK. A READER WILL GET BORED IF YOU SHOW TOO MUCH OF THE STORY TO HIM.

The best story tellers always let the reader guess a large chunk of the story. If you show too many specific details about the characters or setting, you will bore your readers! Instead, say really vague things so it keeps the reader thinking and on his feet. Use huge exaggerations and purposefully artful language that makes you sound more sophisticated. Remember, you only write for intelligent people. If someone doesn't get your work, he is obviously not reading your wonderful writing close enough.

Example

"I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before
now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.”

Oh wait, I didn't write that last part.