A REAL MAN'S GUIDE TO APPROACHING VAGINAS, TODAY!

Are you dissatisfied with life? Do you hate pretty much everything? Does your dick get wet about as much as the Saharah? Well, this guide is for you! In five easy steps, you will be able to approach any/every women with the confidence of a man comparing penis sizes with toddlers, TODAY!

1. MAKE SURE YOU GET IN YOUR HEAD, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

Women love a thinking man, so before you make your approach, make sure think about the situtation as much as possible, until it becomes a behemoth of a task. You must equate approaching this woman, to the equivilant of dancing naked in a pit full of cobras. If you aren't thinking about the outcome of her throwing her drink all over your brand new suit, then you're doing it wrong!

2. AVOID EYE CONTACAT LIKE THE PLAGUE!

Boys, the sooner you learn this one, the better you can sweep that vagina like a broom sweeping a bunch of mites off a dead mouse. If you meet eye contact, which the woman will attempt to do, make sure you look away, take a deep gulp from your drink, and mumble something about “She-demons”. You will appear hard to get, and she'll be all over you!

3. WALK AROUND YOUR TARGET LIKE A LION STALKING A GAZELLE, IT MAKES THINGS LESS AWKWARD (compared to how things will be when you actually talk to her and she slaps you in the face for being an awkward piece of shit of an excuse for a human being, who has no value in life and should probably have committed suicide a few years back. You scum).

This ties in with step number one. The more time you take to approach, the deeper in your head you can get (YOU'LL APPEAR INCREDIBLY HIP AND DEEP, LIKE JOHNNY DEPP!) The outcome of the result of approaching will multiple, blow up, and it will eventually consume any fun you are having at your location (GIRLS LOVE UNHAPPY MEN! IT'S SO DEEP AND EMOTIONAL! FEEL THE INNER EMO, TURD). Make sure you are orbiting close to her, not quite enough to touching her, but she has to know that you are attempting to talk to her, but you can't because you're embarssed. She has to feel the awkwardness peeling off of you like a shredded lemon.

4. INTERVIEW HER LIKE YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB AT MCDONALD'S.

Do not have fun in your interaction! If you have fun, and she is having a good time, you might as well shoot yourself in the foot with a knife. To prevent this, you will have to drill her with rapid fire questions. You must find out everything about her! Do not convey your personality, do not give her good vibes. You are supplicating for her affections, and you must appear incredibly desperate (PRETEND YOU ARE APPLYING FOR A JOB, AND YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IN WEEKS. THAT'S THE AMOUNT OF DESPERATION REQUIRED).

e.g.

You: ….h-h-h-h-h-h-i-i-i (MAKE SURE YOU STUTTER, EVEN ON THE ONE SYLLABLE WORDS!)

Her: Ummm, are you alright? You look like you're having a brain aneurysm.

You: What's your favorite color?

Her: Ummm, pink? (SHE IS WEARING ALL PINK, AND THE QUESTION IS REDUNDANT, YOUR FRICKEN RETARD)

You: What's your favorite food?

Her: ummm, rice? (SHE IS ASIAN, AND NOW SHE FEELS AWKWARD ABOUT HER RACE).

You: I like rice too. Where do you work? Address and the time you get to and leave from the place?

Her: Uuuuhhhhhh, I don't even know you...

You: Do you like the way I smell? I like the way you smell (YOU'RE STANDING THREE FEET AWAY FROM HER, AND THE ONLY THING YOU SMELL IS YOUR OWN PRESPIRATION.)

Her: I'm going to, ummm, I'm going to meet up with my friends (SHE IS LYING, AND SHE IS OBVIOUSLY BY HERSELF).

You: What are their names and addresses?

Her: Are you on drugs?

You: Do you do drugs?

Her: (She slaps you in the face and bites your nose off. She also files a restraining order against you, despite never getting your name.)

5. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!

If she can't understand you, you can't mess up (AND THIS IS SUCCESS WITHIN ITSELF. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY FUCKING UP IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE, SO DON'T TAKE ANY, ANY CHANCES, EVER!) Also, girls love looking at you confused, as you're running your super fancy pick up lines. They will think of you as that sexy foreign guy, and then they will obviously sleep with you because your mysterious!

FIVE SURE WAYS TO ENSURE EQUALITY AND MURDER HAPPINESS!

Women have been brutalized, beaten, given inferior pay for billions of years. In fact, one could say it has become a way of earth civilization, but alas, it is the wrong way. Evolution is a lie, and God was a lie too (Obviously, a woman must have been made from more than a rib) because gosh darn it, women need equality, and I, Chivalrous Tart will present my five point plan.

1. GET RID OF DIFFERENT SEX CHANGING ROOMS!

Changing rooms are sexist pigs. True equality knows no bounds. What is the largest physical difference between men and women? Women have a gaping shot gun wound inbetween their legs and a few pounds of bagged fat protruding from their chest. Men have a dangling sword of justice jutting from in between their legs and facial hair. These filthy changing rooms blow up these differences to the point where rape becomes common place (ZOMG, CHANGING ROOMS CAUSE RAPE!) Knock down these walls of intolerance and promote equality!

2. MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD ARGUE ABOUT WHO OPENS DOORS!

In the backwards, chauvinistic civilization we live in, men are expected to hoist open doors for women. This is degrading to all females across the spectrum. A women wants to open her own door, because she wants to show how independent she is, yet men, want to show his masculine prowess for pushing objects on hinges. How do we compromise? Whenever a male and female approach a door, there should be an abrupt eruption of violence (Possibly physical but most definitely mentally scarring).

3. MEN SHOULD GIVE BIRTH TO THE OFFSPRING

This one bothers me the most. Women shouldn't expect to go through the pains of childbirth. It is dehumanizing and worse than Hitler. A husband and wife, three months into the pregnancy should play a game of rock, papers, and scissors. From here, if the man wins, childbirth proceeds without modification. If the women wins, her womb will be incised from her abdomen, and physically implanted into the man. The man's phallus of justice will be widen for the exit of the new born child.

4. BATHROOMS ARE SEXIST!

Is a man's shit, and a woman's feces really all that different? Couldn't the porcelain seat of justice intake both a masculine and feminin poop? Why is there all this hate? The pain a woman experiences from not being able to use a urinal is one that tears at the fabric of our culture, and it will go unheard of no more!

5. WOMEN SHOULD BE PLACED ON THE FRONTLINE OF EVERY BATTLE TO ENHANCE MORAL!

Women should be allowed in the armies but only on the front line. Everyone knows that a women's wit and reflexes are better than the average man's, so a woman should be expected to be at the forefront of every, single war. Besides, nothing inspires a countries' rage more than photos of dead females.

YAH FOR TRUE EQUALITY! NONE OF THIS FEMINIST BULLSHIT!

ONE SURE FIRED WAY TO GET THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS, TODAY!

rape.

NEW YEARS REVOLUTION

It's that time again that we arbitrarily call the new year, and as usual, we all have to make promises for the next three hundred and sixty-five days that we are alive. Why? Because it serves as a smoke screen that hides the true futility of life.

1. KILL SOMETHING EVERYDAY

Survival of the fittest baby. I'm going to show my dominance over everything. I will kill something every 24 hours, and there can be no repeats or hesitations.

2. REPLACE ALL THE SPERM IN THE BANKS WITH MY SPERM

The world will be better with more psychopaths.

3. EAT BETTER

My diet of babies and dogs has lead to high cholesteral and an excessive abundance of awesome. My doctor told me that I will get less super sweet if I don't double my intake.

4. GO TO THE GYM

I need to find the perfect rape victim, and the only way to do that is by finding the fat, slow women in the gym. Perfect, easily nailed targets.

5. SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY

I only seem my family once a year around Thanksgiving. I miss them, and the distance strains our relationship. Time is short. Also, I need to increase the amount of arsenic I feed them to speed up their deaths so I can get my inheritance faster.