Every feel like you aren't doing enough for your fellow man? Well, if you haven't, you need to go to the nearest neighbor's house and stomp on their dog (THERE'S 100% CHANCE THE LITTLE BASTARD TOOK A CRAP IN YOUR YARD). Once you get the dog's eye glook off your shoes and the neighbor has called the cops, it's time for you to become the hero your city deserve!
1. MOST IMPORTANT STEP: HAVE INCREDIBLY RICH PARENTS
You must have parents who can support your exploits...otherwise you're fucked. If you are going to come back home with gun shot wounds, dog bites, and embarrassing rashes you're going to be dropped by your insurance company (UNLESS YOU'RE IN EUROPE, IN WHICH CASE YOUR INSURANCE INDUSTRY ISN'T BROKEN). You'll need your parents to cover the hospital bills and your fancy sweet equipment. For starters, you need to buy a tank.
2. YOUR PARENTS NEED TO DIE TRAGICALLY.
In order to get full access to your rich parent's funds, they need to die covertly (IF YOU GET CAUGHT, YOU COULD PROBABLY PAY YOUR WAY OUT WITH YOUR DEAD PARENT'S MONEY. JAIL SUCKS THOUGH, YOU GONNA GET RAPED) From personal experience, walking with your parents through thug filled alleyways, in the middle of the night, is the best way. You'll need to whine and moan saying that you want to see an obscure theater in the middle of the Projects, and since your parents are rich (AND YOU'RE A SPOILED CUNT), they'll take you. Keep walking around until you see black people. They'll shoot those pesky parents dead, and they will probably let you go (AFTER A FEW DICKS SUCKED).
3. GET A SIDEKICK
This is by far the easiest step: kidnap an orphan. Then dress him up in tights, a mask, and hair gel. After, you have to lock him up in your bat cage because he will try and run away (BEATINGS UNTIL HE STOPS). After a few weeks of neglect, you can let him out of the cell, and you can continue your intensely erotic/non-homophobic training, which includes swashbuckling sword fighting (THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PENISH JOKE), muscle building in the nude, and wrestling (NUDE OR NON-NUDE, IT'S EQUALLY GAY). After you brainwash him, you'll have your very own side kick!
4. GET A BUTLER
Just kidding, this is the easiest step: kidnap someone's grandfather from a retirement home. You should go through a grueling selection process because the perfect butler has to have a combination of: Morgan Freeman's voice, a knowledge of computers, great hands for cleaning, and Alzheimer (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY, OTHERWISE HE'LL TRY AND RUN AWAY, IN WHICH CASE, YOU'LL NEED TO UTILIZE BEATINGS). The perfect butler will give you melodramtic speeches about people wanting to watch the world burn, and he will magically heal your bullet wounds. Due to old age, you may need to replace your butler every few years (SKIN THE ORIGINAL AND STAPLE THE LOOSE REMAINS ON THE REPLACEMENT TO AVOID CONTINUITY PROBLEMS!)
5. FIGHT CRIMINALS (optional)
Now you're ready to become the hero this city deserves! This next step is dangerous and should be broken into several stages (WE'RE ONLY ALLOWED FIVE STEPS, SO WE'RE CUTTING CUTTING CORNERS). You need to start by beating up any siblings you have (YOUNGER THE BETTER, SO THEY CAN'T FIGHT BACK). Once you gain some confidence, you can move onto your butler and sidekick (MAKE SURE THEY'RE CHAINED UP OR CRIPPLED). After you break a few orphan noses and grandfather bones, I think you're ready for the real deal: That kid who picked on you in elementary school (OR HIS CHILDREN). Look up their address, sneak in through a window, and pepper spray them while they're asleep (THEN BEATINGS). If there are any terrorist in your area, you should probably let the police handle them. They're dangerous.
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