LOSE WEIGHT, TODAY!

Hey there fatty. The first step to lose weight would be GETTING OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER AND RUNNING TEN MILES UNTIL THE FAT BLEEDS OFF, but if you're here, it means you're giving me traffic. And also, because you're here, you'll lose all the weight today (NOT ACTUALLY POSSIBLE, UNLESS YOU GOT A BIG KNIFE/SWORD, IN WHICH CASE, GO ALL EMO ON THAT CHUB).

1. FOOD IS THE ENEMY. ONLY EAT 100 CALORIES A WEEK, UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR BODY IMAGE!

Anorexia is a myth those diet pill suppliers spread to sale their products. Not eating, fasting in most cultures, is the most efficient ways to melt that fat off! Your body will start eating the fat immediately, and you will feel great as it happens. Keep telling yourself, no matter how thin you are, that food is always the enemy. You can always lose a few more pounds and be incredibly healthy. If people call you anorexic, call them a fat ass, until they stop eating too!

2. BIG BONED? WELL STOP DRINKING CALCIUM!

Brittle bones is the key to any skinny individual. Your parents probably loaded you up with milk and vitamin D, dooming you to a lifetime of big bones (WHICH HAPPENS TO ALSO BE COVERED IN TWO HUNDRED POUNDS OF MCDONALDS FAT). You can counter this big-boned problem by never taking in calcium and drinking lots of (AT LEAST TEN CUPS) of coffee. C affine rots your bones until you're just a pile of lard! Also, if you want to burn off that extra bone, ingest caffeine pills every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not only will you be skinny, but you'll have plenty of healthy energy that will last you all day. Brittle bones is so good for you women naturally develops this during osteoporosis. Speed up nature's benefits, today!

3. NEVER TAKE PERSONAL REPSONIBILITIES.

Remember, it's never your fault. It's not your fault that you ate fast food for the past thirty years of your life, it's not your fault that you never run, swim, or do anything physical activities, it's not your fault that you watch ten hours of Jersey Shore every night (RERUNS ARE SO CASH), it's not your fault you can't stand up because your muscles are jello, and it's definitely not your fault that you have to drink a milkshake with every meal (MILKSHAKES ARE DELICIOUS). So whose fault is it? Genetics.

It ain't pretty unless you can kill it with one swift kick.

4. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY

That scale is a lying piece of shit. Those girls aren't giggling with you, they're giggling because they're jealous and would starve to death months before you even start to get hungry. Those guys are just jealous because you could crush the in a sumo wrestling match. The only opinion that matters about your looks, are you own (AND DIABETES).

5. APPEAR DUMBFOUNDED WHEN YOU CAN'T GET A DATE (to go to McDonald's [BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIT IN THE PASSENGER SEAT{because you're fat, lol}])!

Need two seats on the plane? Well, you better order a third one, just to be safe. Remember, by acting offended in almost every situation, you will increase your pulse (GET A HEART ATTACK) and lower your weight due to increased stressed on your body. If anyone requests for you to find another seat or buy another one, FREAK THE FUCK OUT. How dare they complain about your body crushing them for the next ten hours. When I sat freak out, I'm talking about full on fat rage. Crush anyone who attempts to put you down. If the police come, keep rampaging because your fat will serve as a bullet proof vest. Make sure you suffocate as many people as you can. This is the best (AND ONLY TIME YOU SHOULD EVER WORK UP A SWEAT [exercise sucks]).