WRITE THE NEXT TWLIGHT, TODAY (OR IF YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED, IN A COUPLE OF HOURS)
With these five no nonsense rules, you can write your own Stephanie Meyers Twilight series by TOMORROW. If you follow my guide, you can't help but become a huge success!
MAKE SURE YOU DON'T DESCRIBE YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS, EXCEPT FOR THEIR ABS.
Make sure you give your characters as little descriptions as possible! Who needs specific details that signal your characters have a real personality? Those suck! If you write a character, make sure that you use only adjectives and adverbs because these show that you REALLY think the character is hot. How else are you going to tell your reader that?
Example
Edwards was so hot because he has hot brown eyes with REALLY, REALLY, HOT abs, and a HOT hair cut, and when I say hot, I mean extremely, superly, awesomely, hot hair cut. Did I mention Edwards had Hot eyes? So hot!
MISUSE PUNCUTATION AND CAPITALIZATIONS! KIDS THESE DAYS DON'T CARE ABOUT IT, SO WHY SHOULD YOU? LOL.
If you want to get cereal abouts writing, makes sures you writes like your audience does. NEVAR FORGET! The only way to get peeps to read your writing is if you use numb3rs whenevers possibles. You mays have a toughs times readinggs, but this generation of readers (GENERATION AWESOMES) will understands youz perfects. Use lots of slangs and terminologies that the make Kanye seem like a literary wordsmith!
Examplez
Bella was very :( that she moves to WA. She haz no friend there, and no wanted to leaves her BBFs at her others home. Her FEMALE PARENTAL UNIT haz new boyfriend who haz to go 4 N3W l33t job at Washington, lol. She sad because no pale boys in WA because too lameo. Only M3xicans.
MAKE SURE YOU ISOLOATE YOURSELF FROM ANY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITIQUE BECAUSE YOUR WRITING IS ALREADY PERFECT!
If anyone criticizes your writing, immediately write them off as a hater. The only constructive critiques are the ones that are like “LOLZ, SO GOODS.” or “I fapped”. If anyone says anything about the lack of plot, character development, or grammar tell them they are ignorant pigs who just don't 'get' your genius. Then make up a bunch of credentials about how you are more qualified then they are when it comes to judging your own writing.
Example:
@Almost Professional Writer
This is barely a scene let alone a story. It's literally six paragraphs about Edward's abs. Your grammar was horrid, and you should consider rereading your work because large chunks of it doesn't make sense. Also, you used the word “Hot” twenty or thirty times, in this five hundred word piece. Consider varying your volcab and sentence structures. It would make the piece easier to read.
@MOST TALENTED WRITER'S IN THE WORLD
Why do you hate so much? Your words hurt so much that I decided to cuts myself, but I ate so much chocolate after reading your review that no blood would come out. It ain't my fault that you don't see the beauty of my work, okay hater? I write quality stuff, and I have like twenty publishers eating from the palm of my hand. I read some of your pieces, and I left nasty reviews on all of them. See how you like having a hater, hater.
MAKE USE OF CLICHES! THEY ARE PROVEN WAYS TO GET YOUR IDEAS ACROSS AND THEY SHOW YOU ARE TALENTED. YOU WILL EARN LOTS OF RESPECT.
Use cliches at least once every paragraph. These well known sayings such as “Raining like cats and dogs” or “The field is greener on the other side” have stood the “test of time” and they showcase your writing style. ALL PROFESSIONAL WRITERS use them! No exceptions! If you can't think of an image, just throw in a cliché. It's like superglue that holds the story together. Hell, the cliché doesn't even have to make sense! This is how powerful they are.
Example
Edward was so hot. He has brown eyes and ABS OF STEEL (Buns too!). Bella Swan was down on her luck, since she moved, but she knew the field was always greener on the other side, so she persisted. Bella got butterflies in her stomach as Edward walked past. He was sculpted like a Greek God and he was mysterious like a mysterious sandwich. She dropped her pencil, praying to the Lord Jesus Christ, that Edward would be a gentleman and pick it up for the love of his life. Lol.
SAY INCREDIBLY VAGUE STUFF THAT MAKES THE READER THINK. A READER WILL GET BORED IF YOU SHOW TOO MUCH OF THE STORY TO HIM.
The best story tellers always let the reader guess a large chunk of the story. If you show too many specific details about the characters or setting, you will bore your readers! Instead, say really vague things so it keeps the reader thinking and on his feet. Use huge exaggerations and purposefully artful language that makes you sound more sophisticated. Remember, you only write for intelligent people. If someone doesn't get your work, he is obviously not reading your wonderful writing close enough.
Example
"I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before
now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.”
Oh wait, I didn't write that last part.
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