HOW TO NOT HAVE A PUSSY HALLOWEEN COSTUME, TODAY (or on Halloween)!

Were you some ass lame ghost last year? Did your parents dress you up as a pumpkin? Were you the opposite sex? Well, this year, you're going to have the baddest, most awesome, and definitely original costume, ever! Just follow these five easy tips.

1. USE REAL SKIN AND BLOOD FROM YOUR DEAD PETS!

Dead animals are useless, until now! Dig up your dead pet (OR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG WHICH YOU CURBED STOMPED), and dump the carcass on the dinner table. You will proceed to cut the flesh off of it with your CUTCO knives because they resharpen them for free! Set the mangled, rotting skin in a mixture of starch and glue to keep it fresh. Then scoop out the insides and separate the organs (THEY MAY BE FILLED WITH MAGOTTS) into different containers.

2. BLEND UP THE ORGANS

Put all of the organs into a blender and go crazy on it. Once it's in a soupy mixture, you have your morning juice for the next week. You can also throw this at children asking for candy, (MAKE SURE YOU SHOUT “I CHOOSE TRICK AND TREATS, BITCH”). Injesting the organs is key, because you have to smell like a dead animal, for this costume to have greatest awesomeness.

3. BLEACH YOUR SKIN

No more water in your baths! Make sure you soak your skin in bleach, because you want to be as pale as possible for this super sweet costume. It may burn at first (THAT'S YOUR NERVES BEING PUSSIES), but you will soon grow numb. You probably won't chafe because the chemical reactions are eating your skin.

4. STAPLE YOUR COSTUME ON

You will staple the skin onto your own body, but you should only do it in patches. You should get some around your head, middle area, legs, and most importantly the crotch (BECAUSE THIS COSTUME WILL GET YOU LAID). Don't be a girl; the staples will only go in a few inches (IF YOU START CRYING, APPLY STAPLES TO YOUR EYES).

5. FIND A GAY LOOKING WIG

You need to find a wig that will make you look like a hippy (KILL A HIPPY AND SCALP HIM IF YOU'RE CHEAP). You will super glue this onto your head, so it appears authentically terrible. You may want to slice your throat (ONLY YOUR LARYNX, YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE [well, you may want to due to excess pain]). With your vocal cords cut, you will walk around making terrible dying noises, because you may actually be dying if you didn't do this last part right.

Ta Dah! Punchline! Fuck Yeah!

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