LEARN HOW TO BE A POLICE OFFICER AND PROTECT PEOPLE OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES, SOME DAYS, AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT.

Ever feel like you're better than every other person? Ever get the urge to step on guinea pigs? Ever feel like you're a sociopath? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you should consider a job in law enforcement (I PREFER THE TERM “HIPPY KICKER”). The job is easy, and you don't need to pass any physical test! Here are some of the proud traditions you can take part in, TODAY!

Stupid veterans think they're above the law. Well we showed that scumbag!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/oct/26/scott-olsen-occupy-oakland-review?newsfeed=true

You do something illegal? Well don't worry, the rest of your cronies will help you cover up the crime. If you're recklessly driving and kill two teenagers while on duty, one of your friends will delete all of the videos. If you're real unlucky, you may get suspended for one day!

http://www.ctpost.com/news/article/Milford-cop-suspended-for-erasure-of-dashboard-677193.php

You don't feel brave enough to do something illegal? Well, you can still be a complete douche! Someone disagrees with you? Well, give them a parking ticket for not parking twelve inches from the curb! HELL YEAH!

http://boingboing.net/2011/06/24/rochester-police-use.html

Here are five qualifications to become a defender of the law!

1. YOU MUST HAVE PURCHASED EVERY SINGLE TYPE OF DONUT AT DUNKINS (the munchkins too if you're a real bad ass!)

If I am your potential employer, I don't care if you're a diabetic. You must still fulfill your donut quota before I hand you a badge and a gun. It's the law!

2. DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL? WELL WE HAVE THE PERFECT JOB FOR YOU~

We especially like people who drop out due to violent crimes. Being a complete moron and failing out of arithmetic is a nice touch, but we definitely like our violent offenders. You should be the type of hot head who picks fights with women who grind up too closely at a club. If she's beautiful and you still wipe that smile off her face with a few well placed knuckles, you'll be perfect!

3. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO LIE, ESPECIALLY IN THE COURT OF LAW!

Did one of your buddies beat a toddler with his baton? Well, you'll have to say otherwise while placing your hand on a bible (NO ONE'S EVER LIED WHILE TOUCHING THE BIBLE, RIGHT? RIGHT!?). You should be able to say with a straight face, “That toddler came at him with a threatening baby bottle, and he was clearly in danger.” Don't worry about that whole under oath shenanigans, you're the police AND you're above the law! The laws are only there for people who don't have enough power, connections, or money to break them!

4. YOU MUST HAVE A STRONG INDIFFERENCE OR HATRED TOWARDS MINORITY GROUPS, ESPECIALLY BLACKS.

Part of the Kool Kids Klub? Do you get uncomfortable when you see a black man gardening on his own property? Well you'll be perfect! Half of the people you arrest will have darker skin than you, and it helps to have a healthy suspicion of them (AT ALL TIMES).

5. YOU HAVE LITTLE TO NO EMPATHY/SYMPATHY FOR ANYONE!

Are you the type of guy who laughs when you cut someone off, but you rage when some dick wad does the same to you? Do you laugh when you see a baby tumble down a flight of stairs? It sounds like you have the true making of the defenders of the constitution. Remember, nothing is tragic unless it happens to you.