Haven't you ever wanted to save Timmy from that poorly placed well? With these five simple steps, you can teach your dog to chew off Lassie's face!
BEAT YOUR DOG (WITH YOUR FISTS/FEET/BASEBALL BAT/IRON)!
How can your dog be a fighting champ without a supersweet rolemodel? If you don't beat your dog with your fists, who will? When ever Fido does something resembling bad behavior (yipping, peeing in your vases, not biting the mailman), punch him in that stupid face until he cries (DOGS HAVE WEAK TEAR DUCTS, SO PUNCH HARD)! If he's just a tiny guy, show him whose boss with a good old curb stomp. After a good couple of well placed, concussion causing strikes, your dog will behave, and he'll love you for it.
TRANSPLANT YOUR DOG'S POOP INTO YOUR NEIGHBOR'S YARD!
Tired of picking up dog shit? Well, the number one training tip any legit dog trainer will tell you is to get Fido's scent away from your yard and into your personal trashcan (THE NEIGHBOR'S YARD)! If your neighbor sees you doing this, throw the dog feces at him! Then your dog will have a second place to take a shit. (DON'T BUY AN ELECTRIC FENCE! YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DOG OFF YOUR YARD! IF YOU MUST, PURCHASE ONE, BUY A REAL ONE WITH PURE IRON AND TWO THOUSAND WATTS! NONE OF THIS INVISIBLE FENCE SHIT. YOUR DOG WILL LOVE IT!)
SAVE MONEY AND ONLY FEED YOUR DOGS LEFTOVERS!
Why spend money at Petco or Petsmart? Those places are goddamn scams who try to make an extra buck off your hard earned cash (SITTING BEHIND A CUBICLE). Everyone knows sales people are scumbags! If you can survive off of pork fried rice, fried chicken, and chocolate, so can Fido! Why should your dog get special food? That's speciesism!
DON'T BATH YOUR DOG! IT'S BAD FOR THEIR SKIN AND THEY'LL ROLL AROUND IN THE DIRT ANYWAYS!
This is the biggest mistake! I have no problems with leaving a baby in the bath tub by itself, because it will osmosis the water and get clean, but a stupid dog will just roll around in fish guts right after a bath. What's the point of a shower, when the creature obviously loves being dirty? Besides, Dogs are like cats, and they can maintain themselves with their tongues. The trick is to add soap into their daily meal, so they have the cleaning bubbles on the tip of their tongue (DON'T BE A CHEAP ASS! USE DISHWASHER SOAP)
LEAVE YOUR NEW DOG WITH YOUR NEW BORN SO THEY BECOME FRIENDS FASTER!
If you pick up your dog from the Pound or the SPCA, you should introduce them to your child as soon as possible! That way both of them can become life time buds from the get go. If you wait too long, they won't be good friends, and then you'll have to choose one day between kicking out your child or man's best friend! Just leave the baby carriage and Fido in a room, lock the door, and watch an episode of Jersey Shore! When you'll get back, you'll find a SUPERSWEET FRIENDSHIP (OF BLOOD)! GUARANTEED.
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