Do you ever overestimate yourself by saying how great you could be if you had a chance? Ever believe that you're secretly smarter than everyone but everyone is too stupid to see your genius? If you are seriously that deluded, this guide is for you! Show the world that you have unabashedly given up on your own individuality, today!
1. MOAR POP COLLARS!
Dress for success because on the inside, you are a piece of shit! Remember, dressing well can completely hide any of your insecurities because people will be too razzled and dazzled by your cool clothing that they forget you have no personality and you're a shapeless blob beneath all the designer clothes. If you're a man, this means add more collars! They hide your pock mocked face and your hideous broccoli shaped nose. If you're a girl, you should wear pop collars too! They will hide your eating problems (AND YOUR TRIPLE CHIN)!
2. STOP THINKING! THOUGHTS ARE A WEAKNESS THAT ALLOWS INSULTS TO HURT, SO KILL THEM WITH ALCOHOL!
Moar whippets! Stick and stones will break your bones, but words will only hurt you if they go through the proper electrical channels that will uncomfortably raise your cortisol levels, raising your blood pressure. Well, you can stop this, Today! First, break into your local veterinary and steal horse tranquilizers! Stick them into your skin like your dad banged away on your mom the night your were conceived! If a horse can handle these things, so can you. The only reason it is illegal is because all the cool kids want to stay on top. If you can't obtain horse traquilzers, you will need to opt for lots and lots of alcohol. This way you can beat those brain cells into submission. Nothing says retarded like drunken retarded. Don't waste your time with marijuana. That stuff doesn't have long term detrimental effects on your brain, and you will only remain stupid for the time you're stoned.
3. WRITE SERIOUS THOUGHTS IN YOUR BLOG!
Remember, only super sweet kids own blogs. If you put your opinions down on the internet, it shows you have a high enough opinion about yourself that people are willing to sacrifice a moment from watching awesome Jersey Shore in order to hear your useless and unoriginal opinions. Remember, flood your facebook with posts about your stupid blog until the only friends you have left are your parents and that creepy girl with chipped tooth.
4. COLOGNE! CHOKE A BITCH WITH IT!
Nothing says confidence like fifty dollar smelly liquids. Showers are for people with no hair around their testicles; real men bathe in a tub full of cologne. Make sure you get it up your anus, so your shit can turn the guy in the stall next to you gay. Drink it, breathe it, love it. You are nothing without your scent, and all the girls will know it. It is a proven fact that cologne is a magnet for vaginas, pulling them toward your body.
5. LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FRIENDS DO. DO NOT BE ORIGINAL. SAFETY IN NUMBERS.
Don't want to be made fun of? Well, become the people who are making fun of you! Start wearing the same clothes as all of your friends (AND ESPECIALLY THE SAME COLOGNE). That way, if you meet someone who isn't dressed like you, you can berate and beat them for being different. After a few beatings, you will feel pretty good about yourself.
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